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Jones: Why I Think An Army of Bees are Better Than F-35’s.

June 29, 2011

A hotly contested issue in our last election was the conservative backing of purchasing new F-35 fighter jets to help protect our interests in the Artic. At around $156 million each these jets are not a small investment. Thus, in a time where expendable money is rare this idea hasn’t received the most acclaim. While I can see their rational I believe this is ultimately a futile idea. Having some F-35 jets roaring around up north would be totally badass, and I am a fan of all things badass. Unfortunately, the only ones who we would have to be wary of up north are the Russians. Something tells me that a flock of F-35s will not be much help if the great war machine that is Russia truly decides to start encroaching. It’d kind of be like peeing on a bear. A Russian bear. At first the bear might be taken aback thinking, “why the hell is this shrimp peeing on me?” but then it would snap to and no doubt rip you into small edible pieces that it would store for the impending Russian winter. Putin could probably take down half of the jets with his bare hands if he wanted to.

He has a mountain named after him for god’s sake.

So, in lieu of the general lack of support for these jets I started thinking of alternatives. Instead of simply dropping the idea of defending our interests all together I started thinking of some more cost effective approaches to the task. Thus, without further adieu, I give you my ideas.

Spencer’s Totally Badass (but not too expensive) Suggestions for Canadian Defence.

  • This one came to me in a glorious vision. I may have drank two bottles of children’s cough syrup, but that’s beyond the point. We train an army… OF BEES. An army of militarized, winter-proof, killer bees. These insects could blot out the sun in high enough numbers and they’re naturally prone to pure bloodlust. Just picture the enemy advancing on our territory when suddenly they see an ominous black cloud in the distance. They grow weary, but not alarmed. What harm could it possibly be? Then it gets closer and the sound of millions of blood raged bees begin to ring in their ears. Before they can react they’re overtaken by the bees, and as anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid 3 will know, Russians and bees don’t get along well. For those who haven’t played MGS3, shame on you, secondly, the Russians tend to end up dead. With an army of bees protecting our borders we’d be prepared for all but under water encroachments.

Substitute the Bear for a Russian and you get the idea.

  • The next was a hybrid of watching too much Austin Powers and caring for the environment. We create an army of Polar bears… with lasers on their heads. Not only will this be totally friggen awesome, but with a focus on creating mass amounts of bears we could keep this adorable animal off the endangered list. Plus, with their natural white fur they’d be the perfect stealth fighter. I can see it now, an enemy sailor looks out from his ship and sees one of these cute little things rolling around on a half melted glacier. A smile spreads across his face when suddenly ZAP! There goes his head. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! There goes the entire damn boat. If the Laser is too expensive we’ll arm them with gatling guns. 25x126mm of pure Artic bliss.

Welcome to Canada bitch.

  • This one is my favourite. We set up signs around major cities directing people to a free Apple product give away. This will no doubt attract thousands of hipsters. We wait until the smug levels reach critical mass and we trap them. Then, we provide them with trendy winter wear that looks cheap, but is actually expensive, and ship them out to strategically set up camps along our northern border. Simply provide them with sustenance and they shall act as an amazing deterrent to any encroaching Russians. They’ll have poetry slams and other hipster bullshit that I, among many others, can’t stand. It is this complete lack of tolerance for hipsters that is shared by the general populace that will act as the main defensive force. Even if there was a golden dragon egg at the end of a hallway I would not be too keen on passing through an army of hipsters to get to it. The enemy will be pelted with snide, stuck up comments like, “we were here before it was cool.” The irony of this statement given their current location being totally lost on the hipsters. The invaders wills be chipped away slowly but surely. Within no time they will have given up on the world realizing that no loving god could ever produce something as foul as that which is hipster. At this point they will either turn tail and run or end their lives in the icy Artic waters.

“The world is our outhouse!”

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW.

There you have it, my list on affordable Canadian defensive plans. Sure, it may not be pretty, but nothing in war ever is. Don’t give me any, “DIPLOMACY WILL BE THE ONLY LONG TERM SOLUTION,” crap. The Russians are about as skilled at diplomacy as Urkel was at getting women.

Urkel circa late 2000’s. Bad example I guess.

Regardless, this problem will not simply go away. So why not confront it head on with an army of killer bees and laser wielding polar bears?

NOTE:
I’d like to thank Anonyomous commentor #1 for actually taking the time to fact check my article. I even implemented some of your advice! However, if I had taken this as seriously as you did I might have actually written a serious article. You were doing well until you made this statement, “Polar bears aren’t adorable.”

You are clearly not human, therefore all of your statements are invalid. Shame on you.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. anonymous permalink
    June 30, 2011 8:27 am

    This article clearly should have been titled “Bears, Bees, Battle for the Artic, yeah?”

    In all reality you could not have your bear facts more wrong: (1) Grizzly bears live only in North America, so a Russian Grizzly hasn’t existed since 1867, when Alaska was purchased and made a territory. (2) Unlike many bears, unless pregnant, Polar bears remain active year round, This is in turn to being the largest terrestrial carnivore. (3) Polar bears aren’t adorable, also are not considered endangered, fact is Grizzly bears are in worse shape population wise.

    I urge you to research and respect the topics you are writting about, not just making up facts that seem plausible. And to whoever proofread and fact checked this article, shame on you.

  2. June 30, 2011 8:44 am

    While I, another reader, agree that the article isn’t expert material, I think you missed the point Mr./Ms. Anonymous June 30, 2011 @ 8:27AM. This article was probably meant to be A JOKE.
    You are pointing out facts about bears while ignoring the fact that the author is talking about complete nonsense. Perhaps you should have thought about that before making your comment. Perhaps you missed that and decided to contribute your very minimal insight on. Shame on you.

    To the author – I laughed at your article, but more so at the Reply I read.

  3. anonymous permalink
    June 30, 2011 1:13 pm

    There are no jokes about Mother Russia.

    If this article was supposed to be a joke i would’ve laughed, I’m a very funny person.

  4. Ministry permalink
    June 30, 2011 6:12 pm

    Spencer, youre hot.

  5. Semi-troll permalink
    July 4, 2011 9:46 am

    Im all for bears, of all kinds might I add, but this article was pretty poor and ommitted any useful information about the f35 situation. Not the calibre of article i was expecting on the opposition

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